Monday, July 28, 2008

Final word is in…

They kept me on meds over the weekend and re-checked today. After all those meds and 4 more days my lining didn’t do ANYTHING. My labs were higher, but my endometrium hadn’t changed. Obviously this isn’t working. Dr. Cho is going to do another chart review, and talk to my IPs, and we’ll figure out what they want to do from there. There is the possibility of adding vaginal Viagra in for the next cycle, but I’d have to fly up to NJ on cycle day 10 for a vaginal wash – I guess I just wait to see what the RE and T&I feel is the best for everyone, and we go from there. I am SO sad, all the way down to my core, that things are turning out this way. I want this to work out SO badly, for them, for me, for all of us… they mean SO much to me, and I just feel that I am letting us all down, and it breaks my heart. We are all praying hard for some answers, some guidance. I will update as soon as I hear what’s next. For now, I am stopping at the pharmacy tonight to pick up Provera and get that going…

Thursday, July 24, 2008

It’s raining…

At least it feels that way, in my heart… I just don’t understand what is going on with me… no one does which makes it that much more frustrating. But here I am, with an update that my lining went down to a 5.1mm and there was fluid again. I sent Terri at Cooper an e-mail, and will wait for their instructions but I’m sure this cycle is canceled and I’ll start meds to induce a period and we’ll go from there… sigh… what else is there to say? This has been such a long and hard road already; I just know there has to be some sort of silver lining and reason for it all…

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ultrasound Number Two… Hanging In There!

I had another lining check yesterday to see what was going on, and if I’m making progress. My lining has grown from a 3.4 last Friday to a 5.3mm as of yesterday, and the pattern is a B+ (Cooper considers that triple striped). So it’s looking better! I got a phone call at 4:00pm that Cooper hadn’t received results yet, and I went into a brief panic trying to get a hold of someone at GRS that could help – thankfully they really are very responsive and within a half hour I have a call saying it was taken care of and Cooper confirmed receipt. Shortly after, I was called back with instructions to stay on my current dosage (which was upped to 6 pills daily after my first lining check) with another scan on Thursday. My IPs and I had asked Cooper on Monday if they’d be willing to let me transfer at a thinner lining and were told yes! So Terri showed the RE my ultrasound results and I was told that we should be good to go by Thursday, they just want me over a 6mm!! Oh my gosh!! I got so excited when she said that!!! I will believe it when I “see” it – but I am excited for sure!!

I went back and looked over my cycling history:
June/July 2006 CD16 8mm, fluid filled - canceled
Mock July/August 2006 CD19 9mm TL, fluid filled - canceled
Aug/Sept 2006 CD14 6.7mm (deteriorated after that) - canceled
Oct/Nov 2006 CD15 7-8mm IE (TRANSFERRED)
Jan/Feb 2008 CD11 8-9mm, irregular pattern; CD14 6.9mm IE, fluid filled - canceled
April/May 2008 CD17 6.6 TL, deteriorated after that – canceled

So I should definitely be able to get over a 6mm with a good lining pattern – here’s hoping and praying for GREAT news tomorrow!!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Happy 1st Birthday Fiona!

I am going to try my hardest to put down into words all the thoughts running through my head… today is Fiona’s first birthday – a year ago I finally got to meet in person this little miracle who had begun as the hopes and dreams of many, a desire in her mother and father’s hearts.

Dear Fiona,

You are a special and dearly loved child. You were dreamt of and hoped for, for many years before your mommy and daddy ever got to lay their eyes on you. You are a miracle baby who NEVER has to doubt whether she is loved, whether she is wanted.

Your beginnings lie in your mother’s heart, in her dreams. You called to her, and she knew that despite the set backs, they needed to continue on, to find a way to bring you into their lives. Your little embryo lay quietly, frozen in time for over 6 years before I was given the chance to provide you a warm place to grow in. I will never know why I was chosen to be the one to carry you, but I do believe I was chosen. I believe your mother, father, and I were supposed to find each other. What a roller coaster it was, just working to have a chance to transfer, a chance to see who would implant, who would grow. And it was you! Your mommy and I knew before we even transferred that you were a girl; we both had dreams of you. She dreamt of your voice, calling to her, I dreamt of the delivery, of seeing you in their arms that very first time, seeing the love in their eyes for you. Carrying you was a joy! I loved sharing every silly craving, every bump from within, every ache, every doctor appointment with your parents, and watching their excitement about you growing, and growing. To watch that healing slowly taking place, to watch your parent’s planning and preparing for your arrival. When we were a month away from our due date I was shocked at how quickly the time had gone by, and I did my best to try to just enjoy our last couple weeks together, knowing as I tried to slow time down your mommy and daddy were probably praying to speed it up! I was so excited when they finally arrived in Georgia, knowing the time would be soon and so anxious to see you with them finally.

I was so glad they got to attend our final doctor appointment, and speak to the midwife and ask their questions, and we all felt sure that tomorrow we would be able to go the hospital and get things going since I was having some contractions off and on. However, we didn’t have to wait even that long as labor began late that same night. I was so nervous to call your mom and dad, afraid that maybe it was a false alarm – but it wasn’t! That whole night and early morning is just a blur to me, but your labor was an incredible and beautiful experience that I will never forget, and will always be thankful for. There are simply no words to express what a special experience your delivery truly was. The very best part though, right as you entered this world, right before you drew your first breath, before that first cry, was finally living out the dream I had, all those months before, looking up into your parent’s eyes and seeing that look – that amazement, adoration, and just love shining through – all for you! All of our time, and effort, commitment and love was realized right then and there for me – you were here, with them where you had belonged for so long, and I was witness to what was nothing short of a miracle.

So on your special day, I tell you again the story of your beginnings to remind you how very much you are wanted, how special you are to so many, how deeply your life already has touched my own life, and I know many others as well. When I see the pictures of you as you grow, see your mother and your father in your beautiful face, I am filled again with wonderment, with love for each of you, and with a profound joy and happiness. I pray each day for your life to be filled with joy and happiness, for you have already given so much of that to others. For peace, and for love to always surround you, and for you to know, to truly know, how very special you are.

Happy Birthday Fiona!!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Uncertainty continues...

Unfortunately my lining was VERY thin this time, not even to a 4mm (actually about the same thickness as it was at my baseline)... I was devastated and spent a good bit of time crying that morning and talking to my IM. The clinic decided to up my meds and check again on Monday for improvement... so there's still a possibility but I admit I'm getting more and more discouraged. I'm wondering if my body just can't do this, if it just won't respond correctly to meds... My labs, as usual, all looked good.

Hopefully I'll have another update on Monday, and I hope, hope, HOPE its a more positive one!!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

How nervous am I right now?

You just wouldn't believe. I am trying SOOO HARD to keep my nerves in check right now. I feel like tomorrow could make or break me... I don't know why but this one feels like an even bigger deal. Maybe because I know this protocol SHOULD work for me, and if it hasn't I am going to be devastated.

I'm drinking my soy milk and trying to distract myself. Tomorrow can't be here soon enough... 8:00 ultrasound...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Waterworks have commenced!

I had my first bought of estrogen induced tears yesterday, I knew it was coming! :) Since I’m strictly on estrace this time, my levels have risen slower so its taken longer to get to this point (which is nice), but they started yesterday. We were watching animal planet and I was tearing up during “It’s Me or the Dog” every time the dog made an improvement, and then I was laughing at myself because I know how ridiculous it all is!

It’s been a busy and very fun weekend! On Saturday a friend I met online through the surrogacy boards came over, she was here from out of town for training, and it was SO COOL to meet her in person! I’m really glad she got to come over to our house, so we could have a relaxed visit. I wasn’t initially expecting to meet at home though, so when I found out Saturday afternoon that we were doing that instead of meeting out somewhere I freaked out and had to rush around the house tidying and attempting to clean up a little (yes, I HATE cleaning, and between the dogs and my 2 boys, the house is usually in at least a slight state of disarray!) Anyhow, we ended up having to run out to “rescue” Kenneth because the Harley broke down for the first time ever as well , and after that we went to Mellow Mushroom for dinner (YUMMY)!! She got to stay a little bit longer and Kent was having fun showing her his Mars Mission Lego’s, and then she had to be on her way back to her hotel (it was about an hours drive).

On Saturday Kent and I went to a movie, and then we met up with another good friend of mine I met through the online boards, Robin – she’s now 34 weeks with twins and ready to pop! She looks absolutely amazing, just gorgeous even if she is very uncomfy and ready to meet the girls and see them with their parents! I got to meet her boyfriend as well. We had dinner out at On the Border (I’ve eaten out way too much this weekend)!

Kenneth left very early Sunday morning for his Annual Training in Hawaii for about 3 weeks, and I miss him and haven’t heard from him yet. I hope he gets the chance to call me once or twice! Especially since transfer might be happening next week… I want him to know what’s going on. I am bummed about the timing – I will have to find out if family can keep Kent, and will have to board the dogs – but those are just details… I am SO excited that this might be it… I can’t tell you how deep to my core ready I am!

Hopefully I’ll be back by Friday with an update… prayers are welcome! :)

Monday, July 07, 2008

Hormonal, Again!

What a fun couple of days it’s been! My baseline on Thursday went swimmingly. Although my period didn’t actually start until Saturday! Things were nice and thin at a 3-4mm on Thursday, and my hormone levels were good. I started estrogen Saturday morning, and I think I only have 2 or 3 more lupron injections. I’ve done really well on it actually – no major side affects that I am aware of. I’ve had a few headaches and a few grouchy moments, and since starting estrogen several tears for no reason episodes!! Ack! I think it gets a little harder on me each cycle; I’ve put a lot of hormones in my body over the last couple of years, and especially since February… I just keep hoping and praying SO hard that this is the cycle that gets us to transfer. I’m so ready for this to happen, and I know T&I are as well!

Aside from the cycle starting, Kent, Kenneth and I went to spend Friday and Saturday with Brant & Andrea and her family and had such a great time! It flew by, and I brought home a lovely sunburn as a souvenir! :) Kent practically lived in the lake while were there, and just had a wonderful time. Kenneth enjoyed having a couple of guys to converse with, and smoke a cigar with! (Bleck!)

I haven’t heard from T&I since June 15th and am getting a little worried, so I will try calling them today to see what’s going on. Hopefully its just computer issues – but I want to make sure they know I’ve been trying to send them updates, and let them know our cycle is up and running! :)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Baseline Coming Up!

It’s already Tuesday – and my baseline is on Thursday! I’m so excited and ready to find out if we can get cycling, and see how things go from there… I’m just ready, ready, ready!! Things are going great on lupron – I’ve been on it almost a full week now and having very little, if any, side effects (knock on wood). I’m very, very thankful for that of course! Estrogen will hopefully start on Saturday the 5th!

This weekend is going to be TONS of fun – we’re all going to spend Friday and Saturday with Andrea & Brant, two wonderful friends I connected with through SMO way back in November of last year. They live in Macon, Georgia and invited us to spend the July 4th weekend at Andrea’s parent’s lake house! We’re so excited! Kent will get to swim in the lake, and the adults get to kick back, play some cards and just hang out.

Kenneth is getting ready to leave again – he heads out the following weekend, on the 12th, and will be gone most of the month. He’ll be gone over the scheduled transfer, so I’m a little nervous about figuring it all out with him gone, but we’ll make it work! Kent might end up coming with me after all!

I guess that’s about all for now! Hopefully I’ll have news that “its ON” this Thursday!