Thinking it through out loud

So I've been mulling this over ever since the post on SMO about baby versus relationship (linked above) and then some more in depth discussion with a few of my friends through SMO...

I am feeling a little moody and hormonal right now so I hope this makes some sort of sense; I'm just going to think through this out loud because it feels better to get it off my chest. At first some of what I read felt hurtful to me, I interpretted some of the comments as looking down on the "needy surrogates" who are demanding because they expect a relationship with their IPs, etc. I was taking that pretty personally, because I feel I AM one of those surrogates who hopes for (but wouldn't ever use the word expects/demands/is owed) a long term relationship with my IPs (which I define as casual contact on-going as long as it feels right to everyone in the future, just like any other friend). I didn't get into surrogacy for my personal fulfillment, the ultimate goal IS seeing that baby with the IPs, but I would never want it to be at my expense, and I wouldn't knowingly enter into an agreement where the IPs had zero plans to stay in touch afterwards.

Then this morning when I was thinking about it some more I realized that if I never hear from my FIPs (T&I) again I don't think it would hurt me... I will still think of them on a regular basis (and of course hope for updates and will always enjoy hearing from them), but my interest in them has become much more casual over time, and if they want to move on and just "be" there are no regrets on my part... part of me feels really guilty for feeling so nonchalant about it. I tried to go into the GS hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and was extremely happy with the amount of contact and updates I had from the beginning through our failed transfer... then there was an adjustment phase (these last couple months) of much reduced contact and at first I was not particularly bothered, but "aware" of it, I guess? I missed them, and missed the interraction I was used to having... and now all of a sudden I realize I have "moved on"... just like that... and that feels VERY WIERD... almost callous, but at the same time "ok"... ? If I had posted about this even a month ago, I wouldn't have said any of that - I would have said I hoped to continue hearing from them monthly and expected we'd stay in touch, but now I don't think I do expect that anymore... How did that happen? Not to say I think they have "cut me off" by any means, I think this IS the natural progression - we aren't working together to achieve a pregnancy any longer, and we don't have an actual "need" to be in touch - this is just what's next for us. This is NOT to say it isn't/couldn't/shouldn't be very different for someone else (or that it won't be different with Vicki & John, as I think it will be), just what has become and what is. Would I feel different if our contact level had dropped so much immediately after delivery? I have to think my answer would be yes. I think that first 6-12 months of regular updates was important for me, I'm sure I would have been ok if I hadn't had it, but I do think all the updates, the visit I had, etc. has shaped how I will forever feel about my surrogacy with them and I am grateful to T&I for that. It has been said that as a surrogate you need to be able to find fulfillment from within, and not expect another party to create that for you. I think that is a WISE statement, but I also think that when the other party chooses to offer contact, updates, friendship and more it is only natural to find happiness in that as well and to have it impact your feelings - how could it not? That said, it is also important that if you had NONE of that, that you could still find a way to be proud, and be happy with your journey.

Just my musings for the day!


  1. Rebekkah,
    As a therapist who deals with surrogates on a regular basis. I must tell you that you have a very healthy outlook on IP/Surrogate relationships. As I'm sure you know by now, time has a way of healing things and that your life continues after transfers and deliveries. That is because the pregnancy is only one small part of your life. It seems your life is full with your family and that you have entered into surrogacy to help others not yourself. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and hope others will take what they need from them.


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