Thursday, November 19, 2009

They're there

I am really upset that I missed a call from Kenneth today... :( I had a lunch time meeting and he called just after noon and I was in the conference room and missed it. At least I have another sweet message I saved for replaying as often as I want to hear "I love you." I am really sad this evening... I went into work with the tears bubbling up, just not knowing where he was and knowing most likely they were on their way to Afghanistan or almost there, its just a lot to process and I've been trying really hard not to think about it, not to worry about them all, but every now and then it just feels very overwhelming. I think I try not to think about it because I don't even know where to start in processing my thoughts and emotions on them being there and all that goes with it. I just get sick in the pit of my stomach, and I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong, for Kenneth, for Kent, for myself. I have more on my shoulders now then before, so I feel like I have no time for tears, to break down, to be upset, to allow the fear and the worry in.

Of course, I don't want to be sad either - but I realize pushing off processing everything only prolongs the initial tears and upset. It is so different for me this time, all of it, and I thought I would have a frame of reference since we've been through an overseas deployment to war before. But its like looking back at someone else's memory and experience. You can see what they went through and you can understand it, but it doesn't affect what you're going through or directly impact what you're feeling now during your own experience. They're completely separate from each other. I haven't been able to just cry. I've teared up many times, but it always stops short of actually crying it out. It doesn't take much to choke me up, but I haven't been able to get it out. And now I sit here with this huge feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach...

I feel like a little piece of me is out there wandering around without me and I don't feel quite complete. But at the same time, I know I am always with him - that little piece of my heart is always with him and in some ways that is comforting.

I made up our count down calendar, though its really more of a count up calendar since we don't have an actual date to count down to! I added enough months to put us into summer and made a note at each 4 week mark of how many weeks he'll have been gone at that point. There is a picture of the world with dots for us and him and a line between, and a note with the time difference at the top. I left a bunch of blank space so Kent and I can add notes about where he is, what he's doing, significant events, etc. An interactive time line of his months away. I taped it up over the hearth and I've been spending a lot of time just staring at it and trying to absorb how much time all those months really represent. How much can change between now and then, wondering how much will change, wondering what it will be like when he comes home again... and praying that each day that goes by finds him safe and sound wherever he is, whatever he's doing.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Roller Coaster Ride!

That is what my emotions have been taking me on lately. I am ovulating right about now (yes, too much information, but hey - its a blog largely dedicated to such things!) :) In any event, with the lovely hormone shift comes the lovely mood shifts, factoring in Kenneth's deployment (1 week down as of yesterday, woo hoo!) and Kent falling apart at jiu jitsu last night and I was a mess by the evening!! I was mean, and I hate when I get like that and get snippy with Kent... but man, he was pushing it last night. He wasn't feeling 100% when I picked him up, but he tends to be on the dramatic side and normally I baby him and give him some medicine or whatever but last night we had to go straight to jiu jitsu since he's already going to miss Saturday's class. I didn't want him missing 2 of 3 classes this week, so I told him we had to go and that he just needed to tough out the class and we'd go home and he could rest.

He cried and whined and fussed almost the whole way through class! I was getting SO irritated. I know this may sound harsh or like I was being mean to him - but I know Kent, he works himself up about things and makes them a MUCH bigger deal then they are. He made himself feel worse by focusing so much on it and telling himself how bad he felt. I was getting really, really aggravated with him. Within 5 minutes of leaving class all of a sudden he "felt much better"...! ARGHHH!!! I didn't even want to say anything to him I was so upset, so I tried to just be quiet and chill out. Between hormones and worry for Kenneth and Kent's actions I was just done!

I fixed his dinner and got him to bed, then I ate a huge frosted brownie, felt guilty about it, and then just vegged for awhile, reading New Moon and playing some on the computer. I knew in my head I was being irrational and overreacting, but it really doesn't help that much.

I'm hoping I'm at the peak of the hormones and that my sanity is on its way back today. :) Aside from feeling pretty tired from staying up too late too many nights in a row I'm feeling ok today.

I had a brief e-mail from Kenneth this morning letting me know where they were and that brought me a huge smile to start my day with.

Kent and I are going to work on a count down to Kenneth's return poster tonight I think. I have so many things to do around the house, but it makes me feel better to see the days, weeks and months left so we can start ticking them off, one day at a time. We have 2 big events on Saturday and my mom arrives Sunday evening so I have a lot of straightening up and cleaning to fit in between now and then too. Thankfully the house isn't in bad shape or anything, but there's always lots of little things to put away and straighten up, dusting to do, etc. But then I get a whole WEEK off next week, and I get to spend it with my mom and Kent so its all worth it and I'm so looking forward to having that time with them, lazy mornings and quiet evenings together. :) I can't wait to fix our own little Thanksgiving dinner for just the 3 of us, it'll be fun!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

So Tired!

I'm exhausted this evening! I've been working from the time I get home through at least 10:00pm the last three nights in a row to try to make up for missing last Friday and this Monday at work - plus we have a huge time consuming project going on right now that is going to involve several more late nights to get it together. But why am I sitting her with my eyes drooping heavily and my mind foggy and unclear? Because Kenneth IMed me earlier at work when I was in the production room away from my desk and said he might be on again about 2 hours ago my time... so I sit here... waiting, hoping... scared to miss him again if I turn the computer off and go to bed. I'm half tempted to leave the computer on and sleep out here on the couch.

I'm listening to Josh Groban radio on Pandora - I LOVE Pandora!! It isn't helping the sleepy mood though, I could conk out pretty easily right about now.

It's only been a couple days now since Kenneth left, but I think it just feels like more than that because he's so far away now, and so hard to get ahold of and I know full well that is only going to go downhill (communication) very soon.

I went to the unit today and filled out paperwork to become a Family Readiness Advisor and am excited about getting more active with the family members and being a contact and support for others who might be experiencing their first deployment. I keep flashing back to Kenneth's first deployment so many years ago (over 6 years ago!!) and I experienced such a broad range of emotions and experiences. The first vivid memory I have is of laying, sobbing, on my couch with Fox News on for the first week or so - then I shut the news off and had to leave it off after that point. I couldn't torture myself like that. The other very vivid memories I have are of the wife of Kenneth's C.O. - she was FANTASTIC and organized numerous events for all the spouse's to get together to make care packages, and then towards the end we cleaned out the barracks and made care packages for the single Marines. It was really special and I appreciate her very much.

Well as I was finishing this post my wonderfully far away hubby logged in and I am chatting with him! Hooray and thank God for beautiful miracles and technology. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

He's Really Gone Now

Kenneth is "officially" deployed now - they flew out and should be in Japan by today. I haven't heard anything yet, but hope maybe I'll get an e-mail soon.

Sunday was rough, getting ready to say goodbye and getting choked up but I did my best to not break down in front of Kenneth, I didn't want to add any stress for him. I kept it together and we dropped him off at the airport and said our goodbyes. I was a little teary and kept having mini panic attacks yesterday, I'm hoping that was the worst of it. Today I feel much better, my chest still feels heavy when I think about it all, but I'm taking it one day at a time and focusing on Kent and the house and our life here. Keeping everything together and running smoothly, that's my goal for the moment. I will be doing my very best to stay really, really busy and hope it will help the time pass by quickly and productively too. Kenneth got the treadmill set up in the living room again for me, and I plan to use that any time I am watching TV, and we ordered an attachment for it that will hold my books so I can read and walk/jog too now which I'm excited about. I think that will help keep my mind busy during "down time" when I would normally sit on the couch and watch a show or two and do some internet browsing. It will be a great way to get some extra exercise in too, especially since its so cold and icky out now - not good walking weather! Today it is rainy and overcast, not inviting at all.

Kent had jiu jitsu last night, he didn't seem to be much in the mood. I really hope he changes his mind and attitude about that class and starts putting more of himself into it, so he'll get more out of it. I am planning to get some foam matting for the basement so he can practice some on his days off of class.

I have plenty to keep me busy at work, but I am so distracted and probably will be for awhile. I need to focus on making the best of it all, and being a productive employee until it comes more naturally again!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

It's good to laugh

Kenneth and I video chatted for awhile this evening, and the first part of our conversation was filling out the "in case of death" paperwork - listing what preferences I have for notification, family notification, our children, animals, vehicles, etc... it is good to retain your sense of humor at times like this. What else can I do? So we teased and laughed through filling out the form. He put down to have one of his Marine buddies that I have had the chance to get to know throughout the years as the person who should notify me and he was saying how that particular person hates getting in dress blues, which he'd have to wear - a final revenge (ha ha)! Paperwork like that is just one of those necessary evils. I am glad it's filled out, and done, and we can enjoy a little more time with him in the states where we can still video chat and "see" each other! Video chat is fantastic. I keep hoping maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to make it work a couple times while he's gone. We'll see!!

I didn't get the fridge cleaned or the decorations put away, but I spent time with Kent and got a couple other projects started. There's always tomorrow, right? :)

Settling back into our routine!

Kent and I are adjusting again to the routine we were used to before Kenneth's visit home... it's amazing how changing things up for 2 weeks can throw things off completely for awhile!

Things are still on hold until January as far as I'm aware with the surrogacy plans, so I probably won't hear much from my IPs until next month or January. They were looking into some other possibilities, so I'm just waiting to hear what they've decided on - whether its a new path or sticking with the one we're on and starting back up next year.

We're still working out the details, but I should be able to visit with Kenneth again this weekend one last time, we're not sure if they're going to let them come to Atlanta, or if I will need to head to Alabama - we're supposed to know more today. I of course hope they're coming to Atlanta as that simplifies things for me and we might even be able to go to the Marine Corps Ball on Saturday if he's here. :)

Tonight I need to finish giving the old refrigerator that got moved down to the basement to be the "extra sodas" type fridge a good cleanout and then I can move the extra drinks we keep in the basement into that and have one more item crossed off my to-do list. I also need to get the Halloween decorations taken down and put away. I don't really want to put the cute strawbale with our pumpkins and pooh-bear decorations away, but, sigh, I suppose I must. Less than a month 'til it'll be time to unleash the red and green! Yikes!!

Kent's birthday party is coming up, 2 weeks from Saturday - he wanted a laser tag party at Sparkles so that's what we're doing this year. I'm not sure how many of his friends are going to be able to come - hopefully a few will show up so he'll have someone who can keep up with him! It's always been more difficult to get a good attendance at his parties since we try to hold them close to the actual birth date and that is always so close to Thanksgiving! I have to get a cake ordered for him, hopefully we can do that this weekend together if Kenneth is in town and I'm not in AL.

I have been running errands a lot in the evenings on the way home from work and I really don't like to do that - it makes what is usually already a long day seem even longer but it can't be helped a lot of times. I still try to do what I can on the weekends so it doesn't pile up too much. This afternoon I need to stop at the farmer's market for tomatoes and the library. I've been listening to a TON of audiobooks in my car - it is SUCH a great way to pass the time! I really enjoy all the books I've been able to "read" that way. I still often spend a good hour each night reading at home before bed too, after I catch up on a show or two from the DVR! :)

This afternoon seems to be passing quietly - I guess I should dive back into a project to help the next couple hours go quicker so I can head home! For dinner we're making paninis and heating some leftover soup for dinner so at least I already know that part will be quick and easy! Paninis are one of my favorite things to make, easy and versatile and great for a cold evening.